The Heirs of Dr Strabismus

Designers of a bra that turns into gas masks and a team who found that named cows produce more milk were among the winners of the 2009 Ig Nobel prizes.

The aim of the awards is to honour achievements that "first make people laugh and then make them think".

The peace prize went to a Swiss research team who determined whether it is better to be hit over the head with a full or empty bottle of beer.


The full list of winners:

Veterinary medicine: Catherine Douglas and Peter Rowlinson of Newcastle University, UK, for showing that cows with names give more milk than cows that are nameless.

Peace: Stephan Bolliger, Steffen Ross, Lars Oesterhelweg, Michael Thali and Beat Kneubuehl of the University of Bern, Switzerland, for determining whether it is better to be smashed over the head with a full bottle of beer or with an empty bottle.

Biology: Fumiaki Taguchi, Song Guofu and Zhang Guanglei of Kitasato University Graduate School of Medical Sciences in Sagamihara, Japan, for demonstrating that kitchen refuse can be reduced more than 90% in mass by using bacteria extracted from the faeces of giant pandas.

Medicine: Donald L Unger of Thousand Oaks, California, US, for investigating a possible cause of arthritis of the fingers, by diligently cracking the knuckles of his left hand but not his right hand every day for more than 60 years.

Economics: The directors, executives, and auditors of four Icelandic banks for demonstrating that tiny banks can be rapidly transformed into huge banks, and vice versa (and for demonstrating that similar things can be done to an entire national economy).

Physics: Katherine K Whitcome of the University of Cincinnati, Daniel E Lieberman of Harvard University and Liza J Shapiro of the University of Texas, all in the US, for analytically determining why pregnant women do not tip over.

Chemistry: Javier Morales, Miguel Apatiga and Victor M Castano of Universidad Nacional Autonoma in Mexico, for creating diamonds from tequila.

Literature: Ireland's police service for writing and presenting more than 50 traffic tickets to the most frequent driving offender in the country - Prawo Jazdy - whose name in Polish means "Driving Licence".

Public Health: Elena N Bodnar, Raphael C Lee, and Sandra Marijan of Chicago, US, for inventing a bra that can be quickly converted into a pair of gas masks - one for the wearer and one to be given to a needy bystander.

Mathematics: Gideon Gono, governor of Zimbabwe's Reserve Bank, for giving people a simple, everyday way to cope with a wide range of numbers by having his bank print notes with denominations ranging from one cent to one hundred trillion dollars.

Hat tip: Simon B

Comfort Food

Marcus Wareing does posh Jaffa cakes, and Heston Blumenthal does posh baked beans. We've already got DIY KFC, as the bomber and I build our repertoire of top-of-the-line, home-made junk food.

Last Sunday we reverse engineered salt and pepper chicken that we had eaten from a stall in Camden Market the day before, and very fine it was too.

Tajik Jimmy

If the New York Times is anything to go by:

The rise of Mr. Allaberiyev, widely known as Tajik Jimmy, a migrant worker in a provincial Russian stockroom who delivers astonishing renditions of Bollywood musical numbers, is one more testament to the strange power of the Internet.

Amen to that, though I heard it first on the venerable BBC World Service.

World's Worst Lovers

From a poll of 15,000 women:

''These results are an eye-opener for thousands of men around the world and female travellers might judge potential new lovers by looking at these results.''
WORLD'S WORST LOVERS:
1. Germany (too smelly)
2. England (too lazy)
3. Sweden (too quick)
4. Holland (too dominating)
5. America (too rough)
6. Greece (too lovey-dovey)
7. Wales (too selfish)
8. Scotland (too loud)
9. Turkey (too sweaty)
10. Russia (too hairy)

Seventh place is very respectable for the Principality, but surely - using the same sort of selfish logic that allows us to boast that Wales would be bigger than England if it was flattened out - the relative sizes of the countries means that the Welsh must be the worst lovers in the world per head of population.

Putting the Nasty in Namaste

Myself: Has any other reader noticed the remarkable similarity between the Ardha Matsyendrasana of Rickson Gracie, the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu master, and that of Bikram Choudhury, founder of the eponymous hot yoga system?

Prodnose: The point of this is?

Myself: I've committed myself to Bikram yoga for three months at least, so I'm trying to persuade myself it's badass rather than a bit wet.

Prodnose: Well Rickson is badass, no argument, but I think you've got a hill to climb. Further I'm not entirely convinced that pasting photos of flexed semi-naked men into the blog is necessarily contributing to a rugged vibe. Is that patouchi oil I can smell?

Myself: Don't knock the cosmetics man, even Tyler Durden was in the soap business:

Who you were in yoga club is not who you were in the rest of the world. A guy came to yoga club for the first time, his ass was a wad of cookie dough. After a few weeks, he was carved out of ....... bamboo.

Wreck and Rune

The XBOX 360 having given up the ghost and being long out of warranty I have got the bomber a Wii for his birthday later this week.

I've also noticed that RuneScape (1. Wikipedia, 2. Official Website) seems to have supplanted World of Warcraft in his affections as the MMORPG du jour.

I trust you will adjust your meatspace equity portfolios accordingly.

Leaf Cutter Ants

In case you were wondering, the bomber and I went to London Zoo yesterday. The leaf cutter ants are my favourites.

They climb up and down ropes between perspex enclosures containing their plant prey and separate transparent nest modules, bearing in their proud mandibles (mais naturellement) cut leaf segments that are so large compared to their itty-bitty bodies that the creatures look - for all the world - like sailing boats (comprised of leaves and ants rather than hulls and rigging).

Ain't it cool?

This is a tremendous Martial Arts film. Outstanding! It screens one more time at FANTASTIC FEST - and if you're looking for a badass Martial Arts film - MERANTAU is the route to go. October 1st: 1:45pm. DO NOT MISS IT!

Harry Knowles raves over the Welsh-helmed Merantau (see Icons passim) at the US Fantastic Fest.

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools

My latest embed with British 2 Rifles, which began in July, was extended on at least two occasions. The British Ministry of Defence (MoD) had recently agreed that I would spend roughly one more month with 2 Rifles. My scheduled embeds with the United States Air Force and Marines were specifically arranged around the British schedule, and I was enjoying reporting on the excellent British troops.

However, on August 24th, with no warning, unseen faces of MoD discontinued my embed from 2 Rifles. The message that I was no longer embedded was emailed to me by Media Ops, just as I returned from an interesting firefight in the Green Zone. Luckily, none of our guys got hit, but I think the British soldiers may have killed some Taliban.

I do not know the reason for the embed termination. My best guess is that it relates to my sustained criticism that the British government is not properly resourcing its soldiers.

Read and think about what Michael Yon is saying.

Update: MPs' expenses leaked over failure to equip troops on front line in Afghanistan and Iraq

Expenses claims made by MPs were leaked because of anger over the Government’s failure to equip the Armed Forces properly while politicians lavished taxpayers’ money on themselves, The Daily Telegraph can disclose.

Is that all there is?

We went along to St Pancras for the Foodie Fortnight last night. It was a bit of non-event to be brutally frank, and we didn't end up seeing anything at all.

Ennui levels are also illustrated by the fact that we could hear the arc discharge from Hundreds flee in Eurostar panic as live cable collapses and couldn't even be bothered to find out what was going on with that.

Is that all there is, is that all there is?
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

Prodnose

"What can I say.. that can interest anyone save, vaguely, myself, and of course my guardian angel, a failed psychoanalyst in this life who is even now prodnosing in the air above me, casebook in claw, a lilttle seedy and down-at-winged-heel, in the guttural consulting-rooms of space?"

- Dylan Thomas, Quite Early One Morning (1954)

Myself: What indeed? You didn't tell me you were a verb!

Prodnose: Modesty forbids what the law does not ...

French Letters

Giscard's latest literary offering, The Princess and the President, published next week, is a highly detailed romance between a fictional French president and a thinly veiled British royal – Patricia, Princess of Cardiff, or "Lady Pat". The tome has attracted the mirth and curiosity of the French media, who wonder if it's simply the literary imaginings of an old man with a glint in his eye or hints at a kernel of truth.

Patricia, Princess of Cardiff, or "Lady Pat" sounds like a Tiger Bay fish wife; to think I ever imaged the French cosmopolitan and sophisticated.

In a further development:

This is Newport at its most glamorous and only a quick helicopter ride from the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, which helps to explain its popularity with the rock star fraternity who visit when they're touring. Some of them, including veteran rocker Alice Cooper, come for the golf, too.

"Newport at its most glamorous, " is a phrase I never expected to read in The Mail, or anywhere else for that matter.

I wonder what The Chain make of it?

“Tricks with Cheese” by Cheesophile (of the “Cheese World”)

A time lapse film showing a unique sculpture of Cardiff Castle being chiseled out of Welsh cheddar is being used to highlight the staging of the Great British Cheese Festival in the famous Welsh landmark.

That's enough "appears" Ed

Dog Judo - Chicks Bitches dig it.

The gateless gate

“What is the meaning of Bodhidharma coming to the West?” Master Zhaozou said, “The cypress seed in the courtyard.” 問：如何是祖師西來意？趙州曰：庭前柏樹子。

Absurdist literature, it appears, stimulates our brains.

mens sana in corpore sano

The man who invented exercise got his data from buses it appears.

“The very first results we got were from the London busmen,” says Morris, in Glaswegian tones undimmed by seven-odd decades in London. “And there was a striking difference in the heart-attack rate. The drivers of these double-decker buses had substantially more, age for age, than the conductors.”

The data were so telling because drivers and conductors were men of much the same social class. There was only one obvious difference between them. “The drivers were prototypically sedentary,” explains Morris, “and the conductors were unavoidably active. We spent many hours sitting on the buses watching the number of stairs they climbed.” The conductors ascended and descended 500 to 750 steps per working day. And they were half as likely as the drivers to drop dead of a sudden heart attack.

Science owes more to the Routemaster than the Routemaster owes to science.

Treading Debords

Just a few steps from the Merton Abbey's Watermill, the Colour House Children's Theatre has been presenting hour-long weekend shows for kids of all ages, since 1995. With Guy Debord's prescient comment that, "All that was once directly lived has become mere representation" running through my mind as I pondered .......

Baltimore Broadway World references the Situationist International in a review of the production of Pinocchio that is playing on weekends yards from where I sit.

That's too much weird for me, Shorty.

uke 'em all

The Colliers Wood Ukulele Orchestra does Delilah, and I am transported.

Unfortunately I can't make it on Thursdays due to Bomber duties.

............. if only ...............

Jumpin' Jim's '60s Uke-In: 25 Really Groovy Songs Arranged for the Ukulele

Eat Film

Myself: Lupercio Leonardo spoke well when he said: how well one may philosophize when preparing dinner.

Prodnose: What are you talking about?

Myself: I am dropping a gentle hint that I have discovered that Angelo Morino's 'El Libro de Cocina de Sor Juana Ines de La Cruz' is a real book. How would like me to demonstrate that I am getting on with 2666? Perhaps I could beat up a taxi driver? Anyway, I've been neglecting you. Why don't we go to the movies? Julie & Julia is playing.

Prodnose (derisively): Chick flick!

Myself: Not at all, it is a food flick. Movies about cooking are almost always good in the same way that movies about sport are almost always bad. I don't make the rules. That's just the way it is. "You see, you start out with a little bit of oil. Then you fry some garlic. Then you throw in some tomatoes, tomato paste, you fry it; ya make sure it doesn't stick. You get it to a boil; you shove in all your sausage and your meatballs; heh?... And a little bit o' wine. An' a little bit o' sugar, and that's my trick".

Prodnose: "Why don't you cut out the crap. I got more important things for you to do".

Myself: Now you're talking. Timpano anyone?

under a bushel

Oxwich really is a tremendous beach - very long and curving.

In Wales for the weekend with the bomber, disporting and watersporting on Oxwich Bay with himself and assorted Howells.

The quote above (with its satisfying lack of bombast) was the reaction of the Charmain of the Gower Society when it was named the most beautiful beach in the UK by Travel Magazine.

It's slightly rippled with a flat underside.

Deadliest Biscuit

The custard cream has been found to be the UK's most dangerous snack, on the basis of something called the Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation.

With any luck I am down in Swansea today

On the tweet where you live

1. A David Eagleman novel that Stephen Fry recommended on Twitter, has experienced a 6000 per cent spike in sales since they were posted on his micro-blogging site.

2. My Fuhrer ...... Stephen Fry has "twittered" it.

Hitler finds out about another Downfall parody - watch more funny videos

Props to my homie Barney

Hat tip, Nicola; new to the BP crew.

The Mancunian Candidate

Fancy living in one of these streets, never seeing anything beautiful, never eating anything savoury, never saying anything clever!

Winston Churchill

If he'd come to The Providores and Tapa Room Restaurant with me he could have ticked off all three at once.

Realtime "Come Fly With Me"

Come fly with me, let's fly let's fly away

If you can use some exotic booze
There's a bar in far Bombay
Come fly with me, we'll fly, we'll fly away

Come fly with me, lets float down to Peru
In llama land, there's a one man band
And he'll toot his flute for you
Come fly with me, we'll float down in the blue

Once I get you up there, where the air is rarefied
We'll just glide, starry eyed
Once I get you up there, I'll be holding you so near
You may hear, angels cheer - because were together

Weather wise it's .....


You just say the words, and well beat the birds
Down to Acapulco Bay
Its perfect, for a flying honeymoon - they say
Come fly with me, we'll fly ,we'll fly away!
Prodnose: Ring-a-ding baby!

Myself (enigmatically): Cock your hat - angles are attitudes.

Kevlar Tyres

I did the Richmond to Windsor bike ride yesterday (plus cycling from home to Richmond before it began and back from Clapham Junction after we got the train back).

I recorded the main event on my Garmin so you should be able to see it, along with pub stops, at http://connect.garmin.com/activity/12770335.

I had to change an inner tube before I even got to Wimbledon on my way to the event. Brendan (who also inspired me to get the GPS watch in the first place) told me I should get Kevlar tyres.

Kevlar tyres! Of course I need them and I wonder that I didn't think of it before.

He is the Lucius Fox to my Bruce Wayne.

Zombies of the Northern Line

It was praised at Cannes as a no-budget marvel and is due on our screens next month. But Marc Price's British zombie film, Colin, made for just £45, has done more than set a new benchmark in cheap guerrilla film-making. It's also put Tooting Broadway on the horror-movie map.

The atmospheric, gore-spattered film is told from the point of view of the titular zombie, and was shot on the south London streets near Price's rented house on Himwell Street, SW17.

He should have come and shot it in SW19 at the Dark Mills Festival yesterday, he probably could have got his movie in the can for £30. I've never seen make-up applied so generously to such mingy effect. One scarcely expects Goths to scrub up like Brad and Angelina, but did Mum and Dad really have to lay on with such a will with the ugly stick?

Last true Welsh prince buried under pub?

THE headless corpse of Wales' last native prince may well be buried under a pub on a Cardiff council estate, according to a Welsh historical society.

The final resting place of Llywelyn ap Gruffudd - also known as Ein Llyw Olaf ("Our Last Leader") - has remained a mystery since he was slain in a Mid Wales ambush in 1282 as he spearheaded a rebellion against Edward I.

But members of the Abbey Cwmhir Heritage Trust have resurrected long-standing rumours that he was buried at Llanrumney Hall in the capital.

In the 13th century the site would have been a monastic grange. In later years it would become the home of notorious pirate Sir Henry Morgan, but nowadays it is the site of a reputedly haunted pub on the Llanrumney housing estate.

I've never been to Llanrumney Hall, though I went to school nearby.

Always scribble, scribble, scribble!

When I was back in Cardiff, Sean recommended Robert Bolano's 900 page "2666" and "The Wire" (the five series of which weigh in over 58 hours on 24DVDs).

God knows how I'm going to fit them in to the giddy whirl, but to celebrate the publication of Bolano's posthumous triumph in paperback in the UK today, the following order is winging my way.

'Avin It Large'

You gotta roll with it

You gotta take your time

You gotta say what you say

Don't let anybody get in your way

'Cause it's all too much for me to take

Hot stuff

“NEVER TOO OLD, NEVER TOO LATE, NEVER TOO SICK, NEVER TOO BAD TO START FROM SCRATCH AND BEGIN AGAIN”

I can keep training almost every day alternating weights and cardio, but I will simply end up as the fittest plank of wood in the world if I don't address the tight hip flexors that have been bugging me since at least 2006 (Icons passim) though I note that I have rehabilitated my shoulders since then.

Thus I biked off this morning to the 6:30am Hot Bikram Yoga class in Balham: a series of 26 postures (asanas) carried out in a heated room, and man it was tough.

I get 10 days of classes for a tenner, so that is what I will be doing daily until Friday week, except for Sunday when I am off on the Richmond to Windsor bike ride with Andy, Bondy et al.

A pastoral interlude

Back from camping I reflect that the simple life with friends and family is the best, as the wise have known since the earliest times:

Gilgamesh, whither rovest thou?
The life thou pursuest thou shall not find.
When the gods created mankind,
Death for mankind they set aside,
Life in their own hands retaining.
Thou, Gilgamesh, let full be thy belly.
Make thou merry by day and by night.
Of each day make thou a feast of rejoicing,
Day and night dance thou and play.
Let thy garments be sparkling fresh,
Thy head be washed; bathe thou in water.
Pay heed to the little one that holds on to thy hand,
Let thy spouse rejoice in thy bosom!
For this is the task of mankind!

Carrying On

Shooting Stars is back, and the Bomber and I are off camping with friends for the Bank Holiday weekend, so there will be nothing here from me tomorrow.

Important Update

I've been following Michael Yon's updates from the ground embedded with UK Forces in Afghanistan.

He tweets:

British MoD playing games after shutting me down. Perhaps they sensed I am
preparing to report that they are underreporting casualties.

See his blogged dispatches as well.

Why doesn't our media seem to be picking this up?

Did You Know?

Hat tip, my brother John.

That video has been watched about six and a half million times. Almost exactly the same number as Dirty Dancing UK - Julia and James First Dance featuring Julia Boggio of http://www.juliaboggiophotography.com/ who has just taken up residence in the studio below our office.

(I didn't have the foggiest until a client who had come along for a meeting informed us.)

Small World

Chatting with Chris Welch last night (who'd been drumming in the trio for Mark's Jimmy Van Heusen show) it gradually dawned on me that he was the Chris Welch of music journalism fame.

Checking my bookshelves when I got in I found that he was indeed the author of Ginger Geezer - The Life Of Vivian Stanshall which I own in (whisper it) hardback.

See Icons passim for my reverence for Mr Stanshall.

If only I'd realised at the time I could have bored Mr Welch to death with interminable quotes from Sir Henry at Rawlinson End and Terry Keeps his Clips On.

on the boulders of giants

Linkblogging last week, I should record that the Bomber had two sessions on the walls at Boulders Climbing Centre in Cardiff while we were there.

It was interesting to see that novice youngsters like him where much better climbers than the more lumbering adolescents. I guess it relates to strength to bodyweight ratio.

(Note to self: http://www.climblondon.co.uk/ is a possibility now we're back.)

P.S. He is on a course at the Wimbledon Park Watersports Centre this week.

Bora Da, I'm back bach

Dafydd ap Thomas from Glamorgan, walking over London Bridge, was accosted by a sage with a strong Welsh accent, asking him where he had cut his fine hazel staff. From the hill above the farm at home, Dafydd sad. 'Take me there are once', cried the seer, 'brysiwch, hurry, I will show you wonders!' So they travelled back along the drovers' route to South Wales and went to the hillside where the hazel trees grew, and there the wise man disclosed a hidden entrance in the ground, and in they crept, and in a great underground chamber they found a prince and all his warriors, sleeping all in armour beside their weapons. Disturbed by their approach the prince stirred, sprang to his feet with sword in hand and cried 'Does Wales need us? Has the day come?' 'Not yet', replied the sage, 'Sleep on, sleep on': and the two of them tiptoed away again along the tunnel to the secret door, and the prince returned to his rest.

Prodnose: How very boring.

Myself: Sleep on, sleep on.

Direction Home

I know I promised not to tug on your sleeve today, but I popped into the National Portriat Gallery yesterday to see the Dylan exhibition, and was delighted to discover that the photo above shows his Bobness waiting for the Aust Ferry on his way to Cardiff in 1966. You can see the incomplete original Severn Bridge in the background, we'll be motoring over the new one this evening.

(P.S. I ain't gonna by a signed print though. Look at http://www.snapgalleries.com/shop/product.asp?P_ID=226&CAT_ID=20006. A bit salty eh?)

Keep this frequency clear

I am off to Cardiff with the Bomber after work tomorrow, so I am going to take my customary week off from the blog starting today.

Blogger, Facebook and Twitter will be free from the ceaseless chattering of my ego for seven days.

2007

2008

How the brain hard-wires us to love Google, Twitter, and texting. And why that's dangerous.

opening the hand of thought

My invariable morning zazen is disturbed. Incense smoke and koan introspection notwithstanding I can hear the bloody Japanese knotweed growing outside the back door.

It can't be bargained with! It can't be reasoned with! It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever.

The bomber and I have built a kiln. Any tendril shows a hair on its ass and I incinerate the sonuvabitch.

It can regenerate from 0.7 grammes of rhizome, but I have taken the mantle of a veritable horticultural Ghost Dog:

According to what one of the elders said, taking an enemy on the battlefield
is like a hawk taking a bird. Even though it enters into the midst of a thousand
of them, it gives no attention to any bird than the one it first marked.

Remember this

The Bomber has been on a judo course (ten til three, Monday through Friday) for the last couple of weeks with Winston Gordon - semi finalist in the Athens Olympics and current British international. I find this utterly amazing, and want to make sure I don't forget it. Even more amazing is the per diem cost of two quid. His packed lunch costs more than that to assemble.

As I recall, all the members of the moribund el grupo are ex judoka. "The Pyjama Game: A Journey into Judo" is a book to make you fall in love with the sport all over again.

Mills Slow Grind

The Kentucky Derby Abbey Mills Is Decadent and Depraved Part II

From The Times:

You could call Lindsay Honey an Edinburgh virgin, but that is the only kind of virgin he is. As his alter ego Ben Dover, Honey has appeared in more than 250 pornographic films and — as we go to press — had sex with 1,790 women. This month, though, he will be giving his genitals a well-earned rest and appearing in his own show on the Edinburgh Fringe.

He is quick to make it clear that this time around he is all talk: “I did a warm-up show in London and after 20 minutes two blokes got up and walked out. They thought there was going to be a live sex show, not just me discussing my life. I’m worried that people will see a poster that says ‘Ben Dover Live On Stage’ and get the wrong idea.”

So where would that warm-up show have been then? Yup, AbbeyFest.

Where did I put that disinfectant?

Dark Mills

Checking early September in my diary, I see that I have an appointment at home watching television on the fifth so I must regretfully decline our very own local "celebration of the alternative scene in London."

Even the promise of the Sachsgate-notoriety-hoovering Satanic Sluts is unlikely to tempt me from the Fortress of Solitude I fear.

Prodnose: Are you sick of traditional Burlesque with no grit?

Myself: Not really, um, no. To be honest.

Prodnose: Then your wet dreams may have just come true.

Myself: I beg your pardon!

Prodnose: Whether you’re into vampires, robots, zombies, school girls, cheerleaders, cops, or cowgirls, these girls have got it.

Myself: Have you been at the cooking sherry again?

Prodnose: These dangerous beauties specialise in entertaining the darkest side of your soul with a live dance act that gradually decays into a total Blood Bath.

Myself (patience exhausted): Oh, man, I will never forgive your ass for this sh1t. This is some fugged-up repugnant sh1t.

Prodnose: Did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits that he's wrong that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? Have you ever heard that?

....... NOT TO BE CONTINUED .......

Catalan Oath

Reading Robert Hughes' BarcelonaI came across this excellent Catalan oath:

We, who are as good as you, swear to you, who are no better than us, to accept you as our king and sovereign, provided you observe all our liberties and laws, but if not, not.
(“Nós, que valem tant com vós per separat, i junts més que vós, us investim sobirà i us jurem lleialtat per tal que ens protegiu, defenseu i treballeu pel nostre progrés, i si no, no”.)

He also has a chapter called "The Color of a Dog Running Away" (see Icons passim).

One strikingly poetic Catalan phrase evokes the drabness of Barcelona twenty-fice years ago: "color de gos com fuig," "the color of a dog running away" - that is no color, indeteminancy. mud, yet with something unquestionably there.

So now we know the background to the title of Richard Gwyn's book, though I frankly am none the wiser. The meaning of the phrase "the colour of a dog running away" remains as elusive as the colour of a dog running away. Dear me I must be dim.

a snapshot

There is a screen shot above of today's most viewed stories on the Telegraph website.

The first is about mixed martial arts - something I imagined was a minority interest in the UK.

The second is a story from 2007 - that I actually blogged at the time.

Three through five are more like tabloid fodder. The third because it is a follow up to last week's HEROINE OF GREECE IGNITES FLASHER saga, and the next two self evidently so.

Violence, jingoism, sex and pets, in that order. In Britain nothing changes.

An Elegant Weapon, For a More Civilised Age

Morrissey the Consumer Monkey: No more witnesses your Honour: The prosecution rests.

A clarification

The profit burglar and I were messing around with Spotify last night in the interval in Samara's set at Abbeyfest Jazz, so I have to point out that folk music that has been sproggled to my LastFM account is nothing to do with me.

"The porn and the cocaine are mine officer, but you will have to ask Mr Fright about the Jake Thackray tracks."

“The Sheriff at the Gates: A Farce in Three Acts’’

Act One

(A street in Cambridgeham. Most Exalted University Professor HENRY LOUIS GATES, freshly returned from the Land of the Asian Khan, is rattling the door of his keep. Enter a WENCH.)

WENCH: Alarum! Alarum! A thief is about!

GATES: Peace, ye fat guts!

(Enter SHERIFF CROWLEY)

CROWLEY: Stay, now! Who disturbs our peaceful shire?

GATES: I disturb no man. My key unlocketh not.

CROWLEY: Forsooth, thou breakest and enterest.

GATES (entering his castle): I break not for witless constables. Begone!

CROWLEY: Back speaks no man to the Sheriff; I arrest thee!

GATES: Knowest thou whom I am? That I am coy with the Daily Beastmistress, Milady Tina? That I am most down with Lady Oprah, the Queen of afternoon tele-dalliances? That I am sworn liege to Dr. Faust, of whom Marlowe wrote? That I unravelest literary mysteries at the Greatest University Known to Man?

CROWLEY: Of Tufts you speak? Even so, thou art under arrest.

GATES: Thou detaineth me because I am a Moor!

............... read on ...........

---

We could have done this at AbbeyFest's Shakespeare Mash Up Live earlier this week. In which if you were to "GASP as an improvised stage combat sesion goes horribly wrong" you would have been gasping at me.

UK-London: imprisonment services

I look at Tenders Electronic Daily each day to see if there is any computer work that might be up our alley.

What on earth New Prisons - Design, Build and Operate custodial facilities was doing in "TED | Computer and Related Services | UK: United Kingdom | EN" this morning I can't imagine.

The Ministry of Justice, operating through the National Offender Management Agency wishes to establish a framework agreement for the procurement of custodial facilities through the Private Finance Initiative (PFI) using the design, build and operate model. It is anticipated that separate funding competitions will be run for each competition. If appropriate, the Authority may also consider central capital funding should resources be available.

The custodial facilities are needed to enable the Ministry of Justice to meet the requirement to increase the net capacity of the prison estate to a current target of 96 000 places by 2014.

From what we've learned of the moral scruples of financiers lately, why not square the circle by getting the same consortium to design, build, operate and provide the inmates for new prisons?

Stella Shouting Contest

At the Tennessee Williams/New Orleans Literary Festival on March 28 2010, the Stella Shouting Contest will take place:

This outrageous contest is technically a Stella/Stanley shouting contest. Sign-up will take place on the upriver side of Jackson Square starting at 4:00 p.m. on the final day of the Festival. The first 25 to sign up get to compete. Contestants must be over 21 years of age and must sign a release form.

Competition takes place right after sign-up. Each entrant competes by calling " "Stella!" (or "Stanley!") three times. Loudness counts, but contestants should also portray Stanley’s angst and emotion. Finalists selected in the outdoor portion of the contest compete on the main stage of Le Petit Theatre for the grand prize. Prizes include bowling passes to New Orleans’ famed Rock-n-Bowl for all participants, Festival "Tenn-abelia," gift certificates for local restaurants and attractions, and the Golden Stella trophies. The Golden Stella statuette holds a large star aloft and is given to the top three winners. Plus there are certificates; what’s not to love?

Genius, see Icons passim.

Also Rachel Weisz is getting rave revues at the moment for a Streetcar revival at the Donmar, and we've still got seven days left to listen to Kwame Kwei-Armah tell the story of playwright Thomas "Tennessee" Williams and exploring the creative influence of his childhood home (BBC IPlayer).

(Kind of) Blue Plaque

I haven't been to the Brecon Jazz Festival for donkey's years. (When was it Chris or John?)

It all came flooding back yesterday however when I read about the vote it is sponsoring for the UK's top jazz venue. Among the nominees, I've been to the Bull's Head and Ronnie Scott's loads of times, and used to attend the defunct Hammersmith Palais.

I'm chastened to note that I've never seen music in The Four Bars Inn (now Dempseys), Castle Street, Cardiff, as I'd already flown the coop by 1987.

I'm also pleased to join the general hilarity that has accompanied Buckingham Palace's place in the list.

Buckingham Palace, London, 1919-1932 The palace hosted a series of royal command performances by jazz musicians, starting with the Original Dixieland Jazz Band in 1919.

"The current Queen is not notably musical," sniffs the Guardian, missing an opportunity to mention the IPod that Barack Obama gave her. I thought it was compulsory to include a reference to that device whenever possible in British feature journalism.

Welsh Guards bear brunt as Afghan death toll rises

“Do you think we are winning?”

The Welsh Guardsman was on his stomach with his light machinegun outside Checkpoint 11 when he asked this of the person lying next to him. He listened intently to the open-ended answer and quietly went back to scanning the canal bank for an expected Taleban attack.

The Welsh Guards are in the process of setting up the Welsh Guards Afghanistan appeal. Donations can be sent to Regimental HQ, Welsh Guards, Birdcage Walk, London SW1E 6HQ. Cheques may be made payable to ‘’The Welsh Guards Afghanistan Appeal.’

(Three years on from this note, what progress?)

2 moans

1. I hate Japanese knotweed.
2. I have a bad back.

It pays to increase your word power

In mathematics, a matrix is said to be diagonally dominant if in every row of the matrix, the magnitude of the diagonal entry in that row is larger than or equal to the sum of the magnitudes of all the other (non-diagonal) entries in that row, and if in at least one row of the matrix, the magnitude of the diagonal entry in that row is strictly larger than the sum of the magnitudes of all the other (non-diagonal) entries in that row.

Not the same thing as dominatrix then (for words see Diagon Alley, for wine see Domina).

This is how we do it

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2009/jul/24/kfc-secret-recipe-revealed

Chilli Fiesta

I've been in a meeting in West Dean most of the day, I have to take the Bomber to judo for 6pm, and people are coming round for dinner later.

Hence I am rushed, and the only observation I have time to share is that I am tempted by West Dean's Chilli Fiesta on the weekend after next.

I've a little capiscum in the garden myself. I wonder if I will succumb to chilli, chillie, or chili envy?

The inenarrable godhead of delight?

I was too young for Reptilicus, but I read in Empire magazine this morning that Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is to get a theatrical release in the UK.


I haven't been so excited since Beerfest.

So what does the future hold for this franchise-in-the-making? To get the answer, we went straight to one of the film's human stars, 80's icon Deborah Gibson.

"I haven't seen the final edit, but we did do a version that leaves the door open for a potential sequel," Gibson revealed. "Because God knows what else is in the ocean. I thought maybe a seahorse? Maybe a 500-foot lobster would be good. But yes, there is the potential for a sequel, and I would absolutely love it."

SMS Twitter (and all who sail aboard her)

From the Twitter Blog yesterday:

Full, two-way interaction with Twitter over SMS is now available for everyone who uses O2, the largest mobile operator in the UK. There are no extra fees associated with Twittering over SMS on the 02 network—standard or in bundle rates apply for updating your account and receiving tweets over SMS is free so Tweet your heart out!

To Twitter over SMS with your iPhone or any other mobile, head over to your account settings and activate your device. The Twitter shortcode in the UK is 86444 if you want to save it in your address book. Twitter started with a strong focus on texting and we continue to provide SMS access around the world.

I'll have to have a play about with that later. Purely professional you understand.

The road from Heaven to Hereford

Apparently, hat tip Kali, there is an article about Wales in the current edition of "Mental Floss".

Linda Rodriguez reports that "in Wales, teens loiter in castles, men outrun horses, and reality TV shows are about coal miners. Wales may be a part of the U.K., but it's got a culture all its own."

That, frankly doesn't begin to cover it. See The Bank Manager and the Holy Grail: Travels in the Weirder Reaches of Wales -

Here is the story of Kaiser Wilhelm's holiday in a small Welsh spa town shortly before the outbreak of the Great War, and of the Welsh waxwork museum largely peopled by countless effigies of Prince Philip discarded by Madame Tussaud's. There is the true story of how a project to ensure the survival of the Welsh language came to involve the translation of pornographic novels, and the equally true story of how Kurt Cobain came to meet Courtney Love - in the one nightclub in Newport, South Wales. And there is the utterly baffling tale of how the Holy Grail temporarily came to be in the safe keeping of the manager of Lloyds Bank in Aberystwyth.

That said, a free LLAP Goch lesson to anyone who can get me the Mental Floss missive.

La Dolce Vita

"The Lord accepts all and as the Lord said: "I have come for sinners not the just,'" a Cappuccin friar at the shrine near Foggia in southern Italy, told La Repubblica

In Italy, this means "mildly contrite Silvio Berlusconi woos the church with a nod and a wink."

In England, it plays as "Church tells worshippers to give special treatment to overweight or bald people."

"Vive le difference!" say I, affecting mercurial, non-sequiturial French, but God knows no-one ever accused Anglicans of having style.

Lillian Boutté

On the music scene for more than 30 years Lillian is a monument to Jazz, Gospel and R&B. She has performed and recorded with a myriad of legendary musicians including Harry 'Sweets' Edison, Dr. John, Professor Longhair, Clark Terry and our own Humphrey Lyttleton. Named "New Orleans Musical Ambassador" in 1986, she was only the second jazz legend in the city's history to be accorded this honour - the first being Louis Armstrong.

Lillian Boutté was on at AbbeyFest last night. Very cool indeed.

You can listen to her on Spotify.

Jalebi

The Bomber having conceived a taste for Indian confectionery we picked up some jalebi at Royal Sweets in (the none-more-Asian) Tooting on the way to judo last night (for consumption afterwards).

Here's the run down from Wikipedia:

Jalebi or zalebi (Urdu: جلیبی, Hindi: जलेबी, Punjabi: ਜਲੇਬੀ jalebī; Bengali: জিলাপী jilapi; Persian: زولبیا zoolbiah) is a South Asian fried sweet. It is made by deep-frying batter in a kind of pretzel shape then soaked in syrup. Zlebia is a Middle Eastern and North African sweet introduced during Muslim rule of South Asia and its local name is Jalebi as Z is replaced by J in most Indian languages.

.....

In India it is served as the Celebration Sweet of India especially during the national holidays like Independence Day and Republic Day in the government offices, defence and other organisations. Similarly, Jalebi is one of the most popular sweets in Pakistan. Jalebi is also sometimes spelt as "Jalibi".

....

The Persian word for Jalebi is "zoolbiah." In Egypt, Lebanon and Syria it is known as "zalabia" (sometimes spelt as "zalabiya"). In the Maldives it is known by the name "zilēbi". This sweet is called "jeri" in Nepal, a word derived from jangiri, and the Mogul Emperor Jahangir.

In Morocco, Algeria and Tunisia this sweet is known as Zlebia or Zlabia.

"To see the world in a grain of sand."

The Worm that Turned

Parliament has spoken:

The range of news programmes for English-language speakers in Wales is under serious threat and key decisions about future programming must be made, says a report published today by the Welsh Affairs Committee.

I find the notion of English as some sort of threatened minority language hilarious.

We're all victims now I suppose.

Another list

the worst are full of passionate intensity.

Lord Mandelson (see rants passim) now sits on the following Cabinet committees:

• National Economic Council
• Better Regulation
• Democratic Renewal Council
• Domestic Policy Council (which he deputy chairs)
• Domestic Affairs
• Borders and Migration
• Communities and Equalities
• Food
• Families, Children and Young People
• Health and Wellbeing
• Justice and Crime
• Local Government and the Regions (which he chairs)
• Public Engagement and the Delivery of Services
• Life Chances
• Talent and Enterprise
• Economic Development
• Environment and Energy
• Housing, Planning and Regeneration
• Olympic and Paralympic Games
• Productivity, Skills and Employment
• Constitution
• National Security, International Relations and Development
• Europe
• Overseas and Defence
• Africa
• Afghanistan and Pakistan
• Trade
• Protective Security and Resilience
• Public Services and Public Expenditure
• Public Sector Pay and Pensions
• Pandemic Influenza Planning
• Post Office Network (which he chairs)
• Flood planning
• PM's ad hoc Committee on International Climate Change
• PM's ad hoc International Climate Change Negotiations

Desperate

The BBC is starting to show 'Desperate Romantics' tonight. A "throbbing" bodice ripper about the Pre-Raphaelites.

In an unhappily synchronicitous development I've learned that our local 'De Morgan Centre for the Study of 19th Century Art and Society' is closing down on Saturday.

I'll have to try and get along to see it some time this week, giddy social whirl notwithstanding.

I remember Mark, the antique furniture restorer, recommending it to me a couple of years ago.

The story of 'Mark and the quarter of a million pound commode' will have to wait for another day.

100 Essential Skills for Geeks

Chicks will dig it if you (hat tip Simon B) can:

1. Properly secure a wireless router.


2. Crack the WEP key on a wireless router.


3. Leech Wifi from your neighbor.


4. Screw with Wifi leeches.


5. Setup and use a VPN.


6. Work from home or a coffee shop as effectively as you do at the office.


7. Wire your own home with Ethernet cable.


8. Turn a web camera into security camera.


9. Use your 3G phone as a Wi-Fi access point.


10. Understand what “There’s no Place Like 127.0.0.1” means.


11. Identify key-loggers.


12. Properly connect a TV, Tivo, XBox, Wii, and Apple TV so they all work together with the one remote.


13. Program a universal remote.


14. Swap out the battery on your iPod/iPhone.


15. Benchmark Your Computer


16. Identify all computer components on sight.


17. Know which parts to order from NewEgg.com, and how to assemble them into a working PC.


18. Troubleshoot any computer/gadget problem, over the phone.


19. Use any piece of technology intuitively, without instruction or prior knowledge.


20. How to irrecoverably protect data.


21. Recover data from a dead hard drive.


22. Share a printer between a Mac and a PC on a network.


23. Install a Linux distribution. (Hint: Ubuntu 9.04 is easier than installing Windows)


24. Remove a virus from a computer.


25. Dual (or more) boot a computer.


26. Boot a computer off a thumb drive.


27. Boot a computer off a network drive.


28. Replace or repair a laptop keyboard.


29. Run more than two monitors on a single computer.


30. Successfully disassemble and reassemble a laptop.


31. Know at least 10 software easter eggs off the top of your head.


32. Bypass a computer password on all major operating systems. Windows, Mac, Linux


33. Carrying a computer cleaning arsenal on your USB drive.


34. Bypass content filters on public computers.


35. Protect your privacy when using a public computer.


36. Surf the web anonymously from home.


37. Buy a domain, configure bind, apache, MySQL, php, and Wordpress without Googling a how-to.


38. Basic *nix command shell knowledge with the ability to edit and save a file with vi.


39. Create a web site using vi.


40. Transcode a DVD to play on a portable device.


41. Hide a file in an image using steganography.


42. Knowing the answer to life, the universe and everything.


43. Share a single keyboard and mouse between multiple computers without a KVM switch.


44. Google obscure facts in under 3 searches. Bonus point if you can use I Feel Lucky.


45. Build amazing structures with LEGO and invent a compelling back story for the creation.


46. Understand that it is LEGO, not Lego, Legos, or Lego’s.


47. Build a two story house out of LEGO, in monochrome, with a balcony.


48. Construct a costume for you or your kid out of scraps, duct tape, paper mâché, and imagination.


49. Be able to pick a lock.


50. Determine the combination of a Master combination padlock in under 10 minutes.


51. Assemble IKEA furniture without looking at the instructions. Bonus point if you don’t have to backtrack.


52. Use a digital SLR in full manual mode.


53. Do cool things to Altoids tins.


54. Be able to construct paper craft versions of space ships.


55. Origami! Bonus point for duct tape origami. (Ductigami)


56. Fix anything with duct tape, chewing gum and wire.


57. Knowing how to avoid being eaten by a grue.


58. Know what a grue is.


59. Understand where XYZZY came from, and have used it.


60. Play any SNES game on your computer through an emulator.


61. Burn the rope.


62. Know the Konami code, and where to use it.


63. Whistle, hum, or play on an iPhone, the Cantina song.


64. Learning to play the theme songs to the kids favorite TV shows.


65. Solve a Rubik’s Cube.


66. Calculate THAC0.


67. Know the difference between skills and traits.


68. Explain special relativity in terms an eight-year-old can grasp.


69. Recite pi to 10 places or more.


70. Be able to calculate tip and split the check, all in your head.


71. Explain that the colours in a rainbow are roygbiv.


72. Understand the electromagnetic spectrum - xray, uv, visible, infrared, microwave, radio.


73. Know the difference between radiation and radioactive contamination.


74. Understand basic electronics components like resistors, capacitors, inductors and transistors.


75. Solder a circuit while bottle feeding an infant. (lead free solder please.)


76. The meaning of technical acronyms.


77. The coffee dash, blindfolded (or blurry eyed). Coffee <brew> [cream] [sugar]. In under a minute.


78. Build a fighting robot.


79. Program a fighting robot.


80. Build a failsafe into a fighting robot so it doesn’t kill you.


81. Be able to trace the Fellowship’s journey on a map of Middle Earth.


82. Know all the names of the Dwarves in The Hobbit.


83. Understand the difference between a comic book and a graphic novel.


84. Know where your towel is and why it is important.


85. Re-enact the parrot sketch.


86. Know the words to The Lumberjack Song.


87. Reciting key scenes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.


88. Be able to recite at least one Geek Movie word for word.


89. Know what the 8th Chevron does on a Stargate and how much power is required to get a lock.


90. Be able to explain why it’s important that Han shot first.


91. Know why it is just wrong for Luke and Leia to kiss.


92. Stop talking Star Wars long enough to get laid.


93. The ability to name actors, characters and plotlines from the majority of sci-fi movies produced since 1968.


94. Cite Mythbusters when debunking a myth or urban legend.


95. Sleep with a Cricket bat next to your bed.


96. Have a documented plan on what to do during a zombie or robot uprising.


97. Identify evil alternate universe versions of friends, family, co-workers or self.


98. Be able to convince TSA that the electronic parts you are carrying are really not a threat to passengers.


99. Talk about things that aren’t tech related.


100. Get something on the front page of Digg.

Pastel

Three years on from wondering at the number of Brazilians on Colliers Wood, we have Brazilian friends. And so it came to pass that we met up with them yesterday in Abbey Mills at the stall selling pastels and guarana juice.

According to the vendors, the crisp rectangular fried pastry that is Brazil's pastel was introduced by Japanese immigrants and evolved into its present form when that tradition collided with Italian fillings and flavours.

I love all this cosmopolitan mingling. As I noted before, "the first esoteric fact that I ever learned on the World Wide Web was that tempura came from the Portuguese influence on Japanese food ."

The Bomber's pastel with pizza filling was educational.

Tuva

Have a brainy weekend with Richard Feynman courtesy of Bill Gates.

The School of Life

A website stumbler-upon (rather than a graduate of) The School of Life thinks it me to a tee.

Shall we give it a whirl?

Action to the word

Action to the Word Theatre Company's Romeo and Juliet takes William Shakespeare's masterpiece and drags it into the 21st century in a promenade performance that will see the audience moving with the cast throughout Merton Abbey Mills.

We saw it last night and it was brilliant. You can still catch it tonight, Saturday or Sunday, but not tomorrow because the jazz is on.

Luminescents

Applying principles from Heston B's Family Food the other night, I determined slowly to roast a chicken, turn the oven off at bedtime and then retrieve a perfect fowl in the morning.

Unfortunately I forgot and left it on, so I woke to a house pervaded by a perfectly foul acrid smell and a carbonised chicken.

Seeking freshness I tried Abbey Mills' Luminscents (whence previously I had not ventured) and was recommended may chang oil.

Apparently you can vapourise it by dropping a little onto the bottom of a warmed oven or by spreading a drip on a light bulb, but I bought a pillar oil burner.

I tried it out last night and it worked a treat.

The Adventures of Mr Thake

In 1924, writer JB Morton adopted the name Beachcomber and began a humorous column in the Daily Express which was to run for more than 50 years.

Reading about the odd lives of Beachcomber's characters – whether they were nonsensical, puritanical, pompous or simply insane – became part of the ritual of breakfast throughout the land.

A typical example of Beachcomber's gift for creating what GK Chesterton described as "a huge thunderous wind of elemental and essential laughter," is Mr Thake.

Out of print since the Thirties, The Adventures Of Mr Thake is a collection of letters to Beachcomber read for this BBC Radio 4 series by actor Leslie Phillips. The character, Oswald Bletisloe Hattersley Thake, was depicted as an upper-class twit. Described affectionately as "a caricature of his nation", Thake never quite understands what is happening to him, or why.

Pause for 15 minutes at 3:30pm for the next three days to get your dose from the talking-type wireless. If you can't I am sure www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer will take the strain for a later listen.

Dad Longworth

Karl Malden (see icons passim) died earlier this month. I prized him greatly for his work with Marlon Brando in A Streetcare Named Desire and On The Waterfront.

He also appeared in One-Eyed Jacks, the only film Brando ever directed. I've never seen it, but I found it yesterday on YouTube, free and official at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k26yb93rjos.

The Chap Olympiad 2009

I went to the India Landscape and the British Museum yesterday, and was a bit underwhelmed to be perfectly frank.

Drowning my sorrows in the boozer I noticed two girls dressed up in what looked like 1940s schmutter. One was costumed along the the lines of Rosie the Riveter, while the other had gone in a higher maintenance Rita Hayworth direction.

When I enquired, they told me that they had just been to the Chap Olympics, and that although the competitions in "Three-Trousered Limbo, Moustache Wrestling, Quill Throwing, Umbrella Jousting and Bounders" were finished the evening promised a "live swing band, several burlesque turns and a man impersonating a Spitfire."

Unfortunately the postprandial dip occasioned by refuelling at the Italian Kitchen (as well as a keen professional interest in strong continental lager) seemed to have impaired my sense of directions and I couldn't find it.

There is always next year I suppose.

Jim Shannon was there, and you can see his photos on http://www.flickr.com/photos/jimshannon/tags/thechapolympiad2009/.

You've got someone to blame

In a continuing series, the Monarch comes to Twitter.

http://twitter.com/BritishMonarchy

Radio Me

AbbeyFest jazz begins tonight. As I have been sproggling for a while now the soundtrack in the office from downing tools until the live music starts will be Radio Me.

One from the coal face

Myself: We've been running the auction site for years and the SSL key is still only 512. When renewing the certificate on IIS, how can I increase my CSR key size in IIS 6 without removing my existing certificate?

Prodnose: When you renew a certificate the CSR that is created will retain all of the exact details that were set when the certificate was first set up. This includes the key size of the certificate. You can't remove the existing certificate using IIS and recreate the CSR details using the Certificate Wizard because that action will take your website down on port 443 during this process.

Myself: Well we can't do that then. Analysis please Mr. Data.

Prodnose: You could create a 'dummy' website in IIS. This website can be a blank default. Once this has been done, you will then need to create a new CSR for that 'dummy' website, allowing you to change the key size. When you receive your certificate file, install it onto the dummy website as normal. You can now assign the certificate from the dummy website to the production website with no downtime. Once you have done this, you can simply delete the 'dummy' website.

Myself: Make it so.

Blanket Coverage

As for yesterday's Michael Jackson hoopla, I offer you "ersatz": being a usually artificial and inferior substitute or imitation.

Useful synonyms include faux and knock off.

You may also consider "The President's Speech" from The Man who Mistook his Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks, 1985, about a ward of aphasiacs and agnosiacs listening to and laughing at a speech given by an unnamed actor-president, "the old Charmer," presumably Ronald Reagan. For, 'one can lie with the mouth,' Nietzsche writes, 'but with the accompanying grimace one nevertheless tells the truth.'

Keep Reading

As chaos reigns in Kashgar, I remember from reading 'The New Great Game' (extract) that China's Xingxang province has a border with Afghanistan.

It seems that a significant spark of the trouble was a bust up between ethnic Han Chinese and Uighur migrant workers in Guangdong.

Guangdong! That's Canton (as in Cantonese) down by Hong Kong. It's an outrageous distance away from Xingxang.

The world is more complicated than the tabloids would have us believe, so we need to keep reading and thinking for ourselves.

TweetCraft

I came across TweetCraft on the Twitter blog.

TweetCraft is an in-game Twitter client for World of Warcraft. TweetCraft can:

• Send/receive Tweets in-game (Immediate sending reloads your UI)
• Queue Tweets to send when it's more convenient for you
• Upload in-game screenshots using TwitPic
• AutoTweet when you log in, enter an instance or get an achievement
• Extensible so that AddOn authors can register messages or events to AutoTweet

The Bomber is always chatting to me about his WoW achievements, mostly to my utter bewilderment. This could be a good way for us to keep in touch about his progess, old WoW plugin hands that we are.

This 'Coding for Fun' article on how it works is worth reading as well in light of our own Twitter API development.

National Fishing Week

The Bomber and I fished the Wandle yesterday. We saw a lot of fish (including a giant carp) even if we didn't catch any.

I always thought of angling as rather a solitary pastime, but yesterday was very social. All sorts of passersby stopped to shoot the breeze, ask how we were doing and tell their own stories of rod and reel.

(It seems we just missed National Fishing Week - http://www.nationalfishingweek.co.uk/ )

I Am Jack's Raging Bile Duct

As the tidewater recedes, Fight Club is coming into relief as one of the very best films of the 90s.

This, however, does not mean it is a good idea to wake up on a weekend morning, quaff the warm remnants of last night's lager, crack open a fresh Stella and start watching Tyler, Marla and company in your dressing gown.

That said, I have found the principles of the Fight Club drinking game widely applicable to life in general.

Take a shot:

1. If someone starts (yourself included) starts musing about death
2. Whenever "bitch tits" are mentioned
3. Anytime someone mentions "the first rule"
4. Whenever someone says "Tyler Durden"
5. At the mention of the names "Rupert", "Cornelius", or "Travis"

Which reminds me, Clancy Martin. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else .

1st Mon

The Bomber got his first mon grading at judo last night and is a pleased as punch.

I was shooting the breeze with Darren while Ben was getting changed, and asked him why there was a Brazilian flag on the wall of the dojo. He said that the club had some sort of relationship with a Brazilian Jiu-jitsu club and that he'd been training in BJJ himself that morning.

There's really a lot of cross discipline work going on. He told me that one of the seniors is boxing at the Roger Gracie Vie Academy as well as doing judo. That's the same place where Johnny - Ben's Kru - is the muay Thai instructor.

Round and round and round it goes.

Prodnose: Goodness me, there's a lot of testosterone in here today.

Myself: I guess so. Did I tell you that Adam is fighting in Thailand on Saturday?

Coo What a Scorcher!

BBC: The Met Office has raised its heatwave alert level in parts of England, as hot and humid conditions look set to continue until Friday.

London and the South East are now on Level 3 of four, with temperatures set to reach at least 32C (89.6F)

Myself: Oh Fiona! This heat. I can't stand it any longer. This interminable heat is enough to drive a man out of his mind.

Fiona: Steady Charles- you're losing your grip.

Myself: I can't stand it any longer! I can't! (SHOUTS) I can't!

F/X: FACE SLAP

Myself: (SUDDENLY CALM) Thank you Fiona. I deserved that. Oh darling Fiona!

Betty Marsden: Oh darling Charles.

Myself: Oh darling darling Fiona

Betty Marsden: Oh darling darling darling Charles!

Myself: Holding you like this I feel something I don't quite understand.

Betty Marsden: I don't quite understand it either. And yet, I sense it, somehow.

Myself: I somehow sense it too.

Betty Marsden: I'm glad you sense it. It makes it better- for both of us somehow- knowing.

Myself: I know

Betty Marsden: I know you know

Myself: I know you know I know.

Betty Marsden: Yes. I know. Oh Charles- what's wrong?

Myself: Oh I don't know. It's just this damned heat. Oh Fiona, how I hate having to meet you furtively like this. Suppose someone were to find us out?

Betty Marsden: Who would ever think of looking for us here? In this damp, steamy hell. Charles - there's someone there - crouching behind that Palm Tree - see, there - that small, swarthy man in a loin cloth. Look he's coming over.

Myself: It's all right Fiona. I'll handle him. I speak his language you know. All right- what do you want you grinning devil?

Prodnose: (FOR IT IS HE) Governor's respects sir, but he says ladies aren't allowed in the Turkish Bath.

Spare the rod

The Bomber claims to have become an accomplished angler in Florida, even cooking and consuming some of his catch after getting the bug down in Wales in 2006.

We were talking to a guy fishing on the Wandle on Sunday. All you have to do is buy a license from the Post Office and you're away.

That should be this weekend's project.

Argos will have to take the strain for tackle, as his last rod (I kid you not) "burned down".