Coo What a Scorcher!

BBC: The Met Office has raised its heatwave alert level in parts of England, as hot and humid conditions look set to continue until Friday.

London and the South East are now on Level 3 of four, with temperatures set to reach at least 32C (89.6F)

Myself: Oh Fiona! This heat. I can't stand it any longer. This interminable heat is enough to drive a man out of his mind.

Fiona: Steady Charles- you're losing your grip.

Myself: I can't stand it any longer! I can't! (SHOUTS) I can't!

F/X: FACE SLAP

Myself: (SUDDENLY CALM) Thank you Fiona. I deserved that. Oh darling Fiona!

Betty Marsden: Oh darling Charles.

Myself: Oh darling darling Fiona

Betty Marsden: Oh darling darling darling Charles!

Myself: Holding you like this I feel something I don't quite understand.

Betty Marsden: I don't quite understand it either. And yet, I sense it, somehow.

Myself: I somehow sense it too.

Betty Marsden: I'm glad you sense it. It makes it better- for both of us somehow- knowing.

Myself: I know

Betty Marsden: I know you know

Myself: I know you know I know.

Betty Marsden: Yes. I know. Oh Charles- what's wrong?

Myself: Oh I don't know. It's just this damned heat. Oh Fiona, how I hate having to meet you furtively like this. Suppose someone were to find us out?

Betty Marsden: Who would ever think of looking for us here? In this damp, steamy hell. Charles - there's someone there - crouching behind that Palm Tree - see, there - that small, swarthy man in a loin cloth. Look he's coming over.

Myself: It's all right Fiona. I'll handle him. I speak his language you know. All right- what do you want you grinning devil?

Prodnose: (FOR IT IS HE) Governor's respects sir, but he says ladies aren't allowed in the Turkish Bath.