Sex Reverses Cognitive Decline of Aging. At Least in Rats.

1. Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.

2. Aging is associated with compromised hippocampal function and reduced adult neurogenesis in the dentate gyrus. As new neurons have been linked to hippocampal functions, such as cognition, age-related decline in new neuron formation may contribute to impaired hippocampal function. We investigated whether a rewarding experience known to stimulate neurogenesis in young adult rats, namely sexual experience, would restore new neuron production and hippocampal function in middle-aged rats. Sexual experience enhanced the number of newly generated neurons in the dentate gyrus with both single and repeated exposures in middle-aged rats. Following continuous long-term exposure to sexual experience, cognitive function was improved. However, when a prolonged withdrawal period was introduced between the final mating experience and behavioral testing, the improvements in cognitive function were lost despite the presence of more new neurons. Taken together, these results suggest that repeated sexual experience can stimulate adult neurogenesis and restore cognitive function in the middle-aged rat as long as the experience persists throughout the testing period. The extent to which changes in adult neurogenesis underlie those in cognition remain unknown.

bounded in a nutshell

O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.

I'm not the only one who has been brought up short by this "infinite space" quote.

Decisions, decisions

Do I want hand bag wine boxes or a motor unicycle?

No, I want hand bag wine boxes and a motor unicycle.

Sir Nicholas Browne

Telegraph

Sir Nicholas Browne, who has died aged 66, made his mark as a diplomat in the difficult arena of Iran, where he served twice as chargé d’affaires, then as Ambassador (from 1999 to 2002); he was also the author of a highly influential internal report investigating why Britain had failed to anticipate the fall of the Shah in 1979.

A distinguished namesake to add to the author of Francis Ford Coppola's The Godfather Trilogy (Cambridge Film Handbooks).

We're homonymous.

The Internet of Things

I'm very far from sure I would want my fridge gossiping about me to my washing machine behind my back. I know this because I would like to eavesdrop on other peoples' fridges gossiping about them with their washing machines behind their backs.

Burns Night

Haggis, tatties and 'neeps last night. Once a year is enough I feel.

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
As lang's my arm.

Older than God

Gedion Zelalem turned out for Arsenal last night as they beat Coventry last night in the FA Cup. His birth-date of Jan 26, 1997, means that he is the first Arsenal player born after Wenger took over as manager on Sept 30, 1996.

I was already 35 then. Old enough to be his grandfather with a bit of initiative.

Glass Cages

When I was in University I would read anything at all when I was in the library as long as it was nothing to do with the Chemical Engineering I was ostensibly studying. That must be how I came, in those days, religiously to read Taki's column in The Spectator.

Not only is it still running apparently, all these years later, but Charles Saatchi has taken umbrage at some comment or other in it about that unpleasant business of his break up with Nigella Lawson, and written to the Spectacularlyboring as follows:

Dear Ms Taki: Although The Spectator is a lovely read, I always skip your column, I’m afraid. I am simply not interested in your social life. I know that you delight in telling readers that your friends of Prussian nobility find you hilariously entertaining company at their swanky Europoncy parties.

But it was very hapless of you to spring to Nigella’s defence last week (High life, 18 January), as she always found you toe-curlingly vile, and would have been aghast at having you as her valiant supporter.

People tell me that in your unreadable column you also like to brag that you are a Black Belt at karate. Well, me too, old boy. But apparently your ‘fights’ are genteel affairs, against other soppy geriatrics rolling around the floor in crisp white outfits, in some bit of Judo Kai nonsense. Mine take place in cages, 20 feet square, unofficial little events with no gloves, no rules, and the loser being carried out, usually battered to bits. You will understand why I laughed out loud at your schoolyard boast that I should try throttling a real hard case like you.

Charles Saatchi London SW3

Taki has replied.

I am 77 years old, 5ft 9in, and weigh 185lbs. I am willing to face him any time under cage-fighting non-rules, which will be a first for me. I need three days’ notice.

I await developments with interest.

While we are on the subject of MMA, ahead of the UFC Fight Night in London early in March, I was watching the video below in which James Haskell met up with Jimi 'The poster boy' Manuwa who will be headlining at that event. Four minutes and thirty seconds in James (of Wasps and England) and Jimi (the fighter) do some of the hot yoga that is part of Manuwa's training. That is right, hot yoga like what I do once a week. Maybe I can fight the winner of Saatchi versus Taki?

boot to desktop in Windows 8.1

From the Start Screen, click the Desktop tile to enter Desktop mode.

Right-click any open area in the taskbar, then click Properties.

Click the Navigation tab, then check the box next to Go to the desktop instead of Start when I sign in.

Click OK, then reboot.

You need to know this, trust me.

first as tragedy then as farce

The Sunday Telegraph's Merger of Palace staff is latest step on Prince of Wales's journey to kingship and the Buckingham Palace reshuffles key personnel in 'first step to bringing Prince Charles to the throne' in the Mail on the same day are about the unification of the Monarchy's press operations. I wonder where we will end up as that shakes down? Prognosis not good, I imagine.

We've also probably worked with the Police enough over the years to watch Danny Boyle's Babylon, Sunday 9th February on Channel 4 with a degree of discrimination, as the London's Metropolitan police come to terms with Liz Garvey – an American visionary from the world of new media, parachuted in to revolutionise a PR department struggling to keep up in an age of rolling news, smart phones and a news-breaking, information-hungry public.

Interesting Facts about the Sun

We are back on top of the Antelope quiz with a £50 bar tab for next week.

Victory clinched in a tie breaker by yours truly, confirming that the sun is mostly comprised of hydrogen.

Order is restored to the universe.

I can't see any pattern either

I have just finished reading Damian McBride's Power Trip: A Decade of Policy, Plots and Spin and started Mo' Meta Blues: The World According to Questlove.

The Railway Man

I went to see a movie called The Railway Man yesterday. It is the story of Eric Lomax, a former PoW who confronts his Japanese torturer. The film starts with an encounter on a train in 1980.

One of the first jobs I ever had was a summer holiday spent in Barclays Bank in Caerphilly checking the takings from Carrefour, one of the first hyper markets in the UK. It was probably around 1980.

I remember one of the women who worked there saying that her father had been a Japanese prisoner in World War II, and would still sometimes wake up screaming and try to climb out of the bedroom window. Just like scenes in the film that I may otherwise have found far fetched.

Burning Chrome

Summary: This week's Google Chrome update added some significant new features to its Windows 8 mode, effectively turning the browser into a stripped-down version of Chrome OS, with its own taskbar and window-management tools. But who's it for, really?

Not me if this morning's experience is anything to go by.

Honey & Co

Clients took us out to lunch yesterday, which made a pleasant change. They took us to Honey & Co. Reading Grace Dent's glowing review before we went it, I noted it serves up "Israeli food sprinkled with the homespun kitchen wisdom of its Algerian, Moroccan and Iraqi Jewish cooks."

As if by magic, Eat Your Way Around the World in London, is rebooted with Israel finally ticked off the list.

Fans for the memory

Some time ago, we shut off our last physical server, having moved everything to the Amazon cloud.

Now that  I am using a Surface Pro 2 as my main machine, plugging it into a docking station when I am at work, there are now no conventional desktops running either.

So, for the first time in I don't know how many years, there isn't a single cooling fan humming in the background as I work.

I should get rid of all the junk and chill in this new Zen workspace.

According "to the legend"

If Wikipedia is to be believed, the current line up of the Puppetmastaz is:

• Mr. Maloke: band leader, mole puppet
• Tango Troublemaker: producer, rapper, blue bird puppet
• Panic, the Pig: rapper, pig puppet
• Snuggles the Bunny: rapper, rabbit puppet
• Wizard The Lizard: rapper, lizard puppet
• Ducci Prosetti: rapper/Producer, dragon puppet
• HipHopNotist: rapper, gecko puppet
• Frogga: rapper, frog puppet
• Ricardo Prosetti: rapper/Producer, frog puppet
• Flix: rapper, bat puppet
• Turbid the Toad: frog puppet
• Ryno: rapper, rhino puppet
• Croucholina: toad puppet, dancer
• Croucho: toad puppet and brother of Croucholina
• Pit: Rapper, frog puppet
• Dino Prosetti: producer, fish puppet
• E-Wizz: Rapper, humanly puppet
• Midi Mighty Moe: DJ, fly puppet
• Big Eye: alien puppet
• Rita: reggae puppet
• Keil Pittler: demagogue puppet
• Bloke: clown puppet
• Lisa
• Buddha
• Richelieux
• Hammerhead Rapper, Shark puppet
• Dogga Dacoda
• Harold
• BumbleBee
• Squidrick A.K.A. Squidone: Rapper, octopus with hat
• Yobo: rapper and entertainer, twin brother of Star Wars' Yoda
• Peppino
• Orango-Thang

Sometimes, I just get a feeling I will like something even before I have heard it.

survival of the misfits

There being no quiz in the Antelope last night - Antic group annual staff party so the 'Nonce was closed as well - I took myself up town to the Soho Theatre to see Robert Newman's New Theory of Evolution.

I found it pretty disappointing to be honest, which serves me right for going along to have my prejudices polished.

I have a visceral loathing of tabloid-stupid genetic determinism which I see as a throwback to Herbert Spencer's loathsome social Darwinism, and so does Rob Newman.

It's just not very funny.

He is fighting the good fight though.

The wisest thing in the world is to cry out before you are hurt. It is no good to cry out after you are hurt; especially after you are mortally hurt. People talk about the impatience of the populace; but sound historians know that most tyrannies have been possible because men moved too late. It is often essential to resist a tyranny before it exists.
G.K. Chesterton: Eugenics and Other Evils, 1922

Arise, take up your mat

I've been to yoga more than 250 times now. I subscribe to a five class a month programme at Bikram Wimbledon and, barring accidents, you will pretty much always fine me at the 8 a.m. Saturday class.

Having stumbled on this video of the England Rugby League team grunting through asanas, I have decided to post it here and create a new Yoga label for the blog that I can use - retrospectively - to thread together the thoughts that I have shared from the mat over the last few years.

the b*tches that we need are everywhere around us

Once today's club game is out of the way, Rutlish School Year 8 will travel to Roehampton to take on Ibstock Place School tomorrow.

According to Wikipedia, notables Ibstock Place alumni include:

• Natalie Abrahami
• Emily Blunt
• Princess Hamidah of Brunei
• Imogen Holst
• Frieda Hughes
• Nicholas Hughes
• Elizabeth Jagger
• Georgia May Jagger
• Nigella Lawson
• Iris Murdoch
• Emma Townshend
• Suki Waterhouse
• Beatie Wolfe
• Jesse Wood
• Leah Wood
• Nadhim Zahawi

All very interesting, but it doesn't look like much of a rugby heritage, if I'm not tempting fate.

the inches that we need are everywhere around us

U13 League 2
Team P W D L F A Diff B Pts Pts Adjust Old Rutlishians U13 4 3 0 1 121 55 66 3 19 0 Effingham & Leatherhead U13s 2 2 0 0 70 38 32 2 12 0 Sutton & Epsom U13 A 4 1 0 3 54 141 -87 1 8 -1 Guildfordians U13 2 1 0 1 55 32 23 1 7 0 Camberley U13 2 1 0 1 41 22 19 1 7 0 Old Reigatian U13 2 1 0 1 48 39 9 1 7 0 Reeds Weybridge U13s 1 1 0 0 27 19 8 1 6 0 Haslemere U13 3 0 0 3 40 110 -70 1 3 -1
Last Updated: Dec 30 2013 11:34AM

As you can see, the boys are still top of the table going into Sunday’s game despite losing last time out with a depleted team.

The Ruts are playing at home against Old Reigatians, who have only played two league games this season compared to our four.

They lost 34 – 14 to Effingham and Leatherhead (the team who beat us 36 – 24) and beat Sutton and Epsom (who we demolished 45 – 7) by 35 points to 5.

It looks like it will be a close game. On the positive side we have got all the A team squad available, but we haven’t been able to train or play since before Christmas because of the rain and floods.

tragedy plus time

1. Bob Mortimer questions Oxbridge bias in comedy

2. Cambridge University backlash at Duke of Cambridge's 'free pass' to study there.

Ho ho, very satirical.

Nine

Telegraph

Summly, the news summary app sold by British teenager Nick D'Aloisio to Yahoo! for $30m last year, is to be revamped.

The 17-year-old joined Yahoo! chief executive Marissa Mayer on stage at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas on Tuesday to unveil Yahoo! News Digest.

The new app will give users news summaries twice a day. Each summary is comprised of nine stories, with each article constructed from multiple sources, which will feature tweets, videos and maps.

"Our goal with the Yahoo! News Digest is to make sure you're always in the know," said D'Aloisio, who is now a product manager at the tech giant.

The app will also record how many stories you have read that day, giving you a score out of nine.

It gives you nine stories, the app records how many you read and gives you "a score out of nine".

Brilliant! I wonder what algorithm is used to calculate the score?

Deckadance

Since the Bomber introduced me to FL Studio (Icons passim) I have also discovered its sister product Deckadance DJ software, and I am now as gangsta as it is possible for someone mixing Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb's Guilty with Abba's The Winner Takes It All to be.

In a similar vein, I have also come up with an idea for rebranding Sophie's coffee shop.

Myself: Word is Bond.

Prodnose: Word is Brooke Bond.

Better the Red Devils you know

I can't help but think that Manchester United would have been better off appointing me, rather than David Moyes, as manager because there would have been no night of the long knives for Sir Alex's tried and tested back room staff.

I would have called a meeting with Mike Phelan, Rene Meulensteen and the rest, and said "I'm not entirely clear on what you do but keep on doing it."

"Any problems, the door is always open. Otherwise I'll be in the governor's old office teaching myself card tricks from YouTube and trying to find if he has left any of his legendary wine collection behind."

I bet they'd be in the top four in Premiership and still in the FA Cup.

Windows need be no more than an archaic touch

Back in 1964, Isaac Asimov imagined the world, or more accurately the World's Fair, of 2014 - fifty years into the future.

Bridges will also be of less importance, since cars will be capable of crossing water on their jets, though local ordinances will discourage the practice.

I predict that in the world of 2064 we will not be able to laugh up our sleeves at announcements like that above; the government will mandate that we appear with bare arms so that drones can read the bar codes that have been tattooed onto our biceps. For our own good.

A description of an absence

Rory Stewart is an interesting man. 2014's chastened version makes some valuably modest observations in this interview from Friday's Grauniard.

Stewart came home when he realised that even the least-educated Afghan housewife in a mountain village knew more about the country than he did. Fluent in Dari, along with nine other languages, he'd thrown himself into the coalition mission with great conviction, but had to conclude that: "In the end, the basic problem is very, very simple. Why don't these interventions work? Because we are foreigners. If things are going wrong in a country, it's not usually that we don't have enough foreigners. It's usually that we have too many." 

Ten years ago he would have listed 10 things Afghanistan needed to build a new state: rule of law, financial administration, civil administration and so on. "And, then you would say, well, how do you do that? Well, I'd say, by a mapping of internal and external stakeholders, definition of critical tasks – all this jargon talk. And I've only now just begun to realise these words are nonsense words. I mean, they have no content at all. We should be ashamed to even use them." 

They are nothing more, Stewart now acknowledges, than tautologies. "They pretend to be a plan, but they're actually just a description of an absence. Saying 'What we need is security, and what we need to do is eliminate corruption' is just another way of saying: 'It's really dangerous and corrupt.' None of that actually tells you how it's done."

In some ways it's a companion piece to yesterday's evisceration of the thumb-on-the-till merchants pushing the internet snake-oil.

I'm against it.

I find myself curiously drawn to Evgeny Morozov.

To say that Morozov has gone out of his way to irritate powerful and influential people in the tech world doesn’t quite capture it. Doing so is his primary occupation. In the Morozovian worldview, New York University professor and social-media theorist Clay Shirky is a “consultant-cum-intellectual”; Google’s mission is to “monetize all of the world’s information and make it universally inaccessible and profitable”; and Tim O’Reilly, the Silicon Valley publisher and venture capitalist who coined “Web 2.0,” is an Orwellian “meme hustler” and the main culprit behind “the enduring emptiness of our technology debates.” To millions of viewers, TED talks are inspirational speeches about “ideas worth spreading” in science and technology. To Morozov they are a “sinister” hyping of “ideas no footnotes can support.”

Or try this passage. It’s a takedown of a work of technological triumphalism called Hybrid Reality, but it doubles as a summary of his thinking about the entirety of the tech discourse: “[P]erhaps this is what the Hybrid Age is all about: marketing masquerading as theory, charlatans masquerading as philosophers, a New Age cult masquerading as a university, business masquerading as redemption, slogans masquerading as truths.”

The entire Morozov aesthetic is in this sentence: the venom, the derision, the reverse jujitsu of his opponents’ sanctimony, the bald accusation that all the talk about a new age of human flourishing is nothing but an attempt to vamp the speaker’s consulting business. Tech enthusiasts channel hope. Tech skeptics channel worry. Morozov channels anger, and this can be a very satisfying emotion to anyone unconvinced that everything is getting better.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

March 7 is the diary date for all us UK based Wes Anderson fans.

the dock of the day

I just bought a Plugable UD-3900 USB 3.0 Universal Docking Station with Dual Video Outputs for Windows 8.1, 8, 7, XP (HDMI and DVI/ VGA to 2048x1152, Gigabit Ethernet, Audio, 2 USB 3.0 Ports, 4 USB 2.0 Ports, 4A AC Power Adapter) to use in the office with the Surface Pro 2.

I looked at Microsoft's offering, but the fact it uses the Mini Display Port would have meant me buying a separate VGA adapter as well.

Fascinating eh?

That Was The Year That Was

I was eleven pounds lighter this morning than I was on the last day of 2012. Not great, but not bad and a move in the right direction. My peers in general seem to be going into the credit rather than debit side of the avoirdupois ledger.

Come January 10th, I will be in my eighth year of recording my exercise every day, and on June the first I will have been going to Virgin Active regularly for nine years.

Where does the time go?

Kung Fury

I  think we have to get this made in 2014. Kickstarter is aptly named in this regard.

dibby dibby sound

Today, I am mostly listening to DJ Fresh vs Jay Fay feat. Miss Dynamite. I wonder which one is Pink?

Resolution

Andy H, an Arsenal season ticket holder, invited me yesterday to go and see them play Cardiff City at the Emirates on New Year's Day.

Yesterday was also the day that the mercurial Vincent Tan fired Malky Mackay as Cardiff City manager.

I'm still going.

Accessorize after the fact

I'm sitting in the office with in front of my main workstation with an iPAD to my left and the Surface Pro to the right.

I have bought a Touch cover now. It is a necessity I would say to work on the legacy desktop.

I still can't work out what the pen is for.

I foolishly bought a mini HDMI to HDMI cable before I realised the connector on is is a Mini Display port. I think maybe I will need all the adapters to get the most out of it.

I am very intrigued by the Surface Music Kit (though it doesn't seem to be in the UK) and its associated remix contest.

to do is to be

Neil; Lord of all he surveys...... you think?

Jeeves and the Yule-tide Spirit

The immortal Wodehouse's Jeeves and the Yule-tide Spirit is 2013's entry in my annual collection of Christmas stories, read on .......

Parenting skills

I have been playing a lot of Quizup (hat tip Sophie) over the festive break. He knows everything about The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother.

Good or bad? Discuss.

Aladdin Sane

'Tis the season to be jolly and suddenly our appointment with Wimbledon's panto on January 12th seems to be bearing down on me with unseemly haste.

Caroline's wedding

all surface

Good morning. I am writing this on my new Surface Pro 2. I haven't bought the highly rated cover that comes with a keyboard and touchpad. The idea being that I would learn to navigate it without.

I'm beginning to regret that, and I've left the stylus that comes with it downstairs. Early days I suppose. Watch this space.

250

As we were walking to the pub after work yesterday, the Burglar tripped on an uneven pavement and crashed to the ground like a sack of potatoes, cutting his lip, grazing his cheekbone, mashing up his hands, hurting his knee and breaking his glasses. He couldn't even get up unassisted, I took him back to my place so he could clean up and sat with him until he was feeling well enough to go home.

At 6:30am this morning I went to my 250th yoga class. It struck me that while I keep doing that I am extremely unlikely to fall if I trip, that if I do ever fall I'm mobile and supple enough to be at a low risk if injuring myself, and that even if I did stumble and graze some flesh I would certainly be able to get up again straight away.

That is enough motivation to persevere. I'll let you know when I get to 500. Namaste.

Winning Ways

The Bomber got all eleven of the tries his house team scored in winning Monday's tournament in school.  I know that I drone on and on about this sort of thing but it is good to have a place to store these memories up for the future.

Also, we grown ups won the quiz at the Antelope by a country mile on the very same day.

orandum est ut sit mens sana in corpore sano.

Bard the Bowman

The Bomber and I went to see The Desolation of Smaug last night. Bard the Bowman and all his kin speak with Welsh accents, and this behaviour is - apparently - by design.

a great artist can come from anywhere

Peter O'Toole who brought me so much joy with his performances over the years has gone to his reward.

It is reported that his house rules for a New Year's Eve party at home were "fornication, madness, murder, drunkenness, shouting, shrieking, leaping polite conversation and the breaking of bones, such jollities constitute acceptable behaviour, but no acting allowed."

I'm going to the Hendries' this December 31st. I wonder what they would make of it? I think they're quite partial to a bit of acting.

(By the way, why can't I get The Ruling Class or The Stuntman on iTunes? They will be gaping holes if I celebrate his life with a movie marathon.)

a bad grumf

The Ruts lost for the first time this season, going down 36- 24 (6 tries against 4) to Effingham & Leatherhead U13s away.

They went into the game without a regular prop, second row and scrum half; all three were away at scout camp. Scout camp!? And then lost Dan the other regular prop to a bad knock on the noggin very early on in the game. After that they were struggling up front all along; under pressure in set pieces and at the break down.

No need to panic yet. They won a bonus point for scoring four tries and are still top of the league. A lot of character was displayed, battling to the very end and with a heavily bandaged Dan agitating to be returned to the fray from the touch line.

As regards the Bomber, the coach's match report says:

Moment(s) of the Match: the three terrific tries scored by the backs – scintillating running from Silas and Ben!

He''s got an internal school tournament today and is playing the in second round of the cup for the school later which seems like odd scheduling. Two important matches and a tournament in two days? I think he could do with a rest until after Christmas after that. (I noticed he was carrying a bit of a shoulder injury towards the end of yesterday's game.)

The student has become the master

The Bomber has been teaching me to use FL Studio and explaining that Avicii used it to make Wake Me Up.

He discovered, downloaded and set it up himself. It seems like the investment in his laptop and drumming lessons is bearing fruit in ways I didn't expect.

Millions like us

The British Monarchy Facebook page passed the million likes landmark some time last night. I deserve that Christmas card.

Assorted Festivals of Rugby

2014 will be our Old Ruts team's last appearance at the Brean Sands Festival as it only goes up to U13s.

Team Tours Direct run a variety of Festivals we could go to instead in 2015.

I'm making a note of http://teamtoursdirect.com/sport/rugby-union/ so I can find it again next year.

(Oh, and Wimbledon College beat the school 38-0 on Monday. Not a lot of fun.)

a big if

Reading list

Just at the moment I am reading The Epigenetics Revolution: How Modern Biology is Rewriting our Understanding of Genetics, Disease and Inheritance by Nessa Carey.

So now you know.

Inches

The school's year 8 are playing Wimbledon College this afternoon and I am going to try to sneak out and wee the game. I imagine that the match will be something of a challenge as Wimbledon have already beaten Dulwich College this season, so I have dusted off my Al Pacino impression just in case it is needed for half time.

COD Wars

In two separate meta-analyses of locus-of-control beliefs—whether we hold that we influence our own fates or that our lives are subject to uncontrollable external forces—the psychologist Jean Twenge and her colleagues found that, between 1960 and 2002, Americans have increasingly turned to external explanations for the shapes of their lives. The shift is not a function of socioeconomic background; the attitude change occurred across demographics. This, in turn, suggests increased alienation and, as a result, more of a need for a means by which to reassert the control that otherwise seems to be missing from our lives. First-person shooters may be a way of reclaiming our sense of efficacy.

This, apparently, is why the Bomber and all his chums play Call of Duty with such devotion. I am unconvinced myself.

Patrick Dalton’s top five local Tooting hotspots

Tooting: edgier than Balham and mercifully less Clapham than Clapham. The Romans built a road through it and it has a crater on Mars named after it – take that Brixton. Tooting may not be on everybody’s list of places to visit before they die but there are more than enough reasons to jump on the Northern line and revise that opinion. Here are just a few of them…

Tooting your own horn? GEDDIT! See how I did that? Tooting is a place and both the gerund and present participle of the verb toot. Hilarity ensues.

Simples

I'm off to the South Bank this afternoon on the tube. Living, as I do, within walking distance of the office, I don't get to use public transport often. Luckily I have found a transcript of Mayor Boris Johnson explaining how much a Zone 1 single costs if you pay with cash.

"Oh blimey… I've got the figures here. If you get a… if you get a… Yeah yeah yeah wait a minute. If you've got your Oyster card I think it's gone up to £2… £2.10 is it? Uhhh… I use the Oyster card because…. Always use your Oyster card! I'll give you… I can give you – d'you want me to recite… Where's the, where's the someone give me my… herewegoherewegoherewego here's the whole list HERE we go HEEEERE we go, okay. Right. Here we go. If you want a one-way ticket… Oh god… um… cash single. A cash single is… it is currently… in zones 1-7 it is £6.70. Can that be right? Well that's what it says here. That seems unbelievably expensive to me – that's outrageous. That cannot possibly be right. Wait wait wait… folks - who's drawn up this useless chart? *DEEP GROWLING* OH ZONE ONE HERE WE GO £4.50!"

Yes, that's Boris - some people are too stupid to get on in life - Johnson.

One day at a time

The Bomber and I will be back in Wales from the wedding on December 21 until Boxing Day, when we have to charge up the M4 early doors for the traditional Christmas showdown with Wimbledon Warriors.

Virgin Active has closed since last time I was back so it looks like The Gym Cardiff will have to take the strain as I can get £5 a day membership on Monday and Tuesday.

There is one in Swansea as well. I wonder if that would work for John if he could get the two of them 24/7 for a low monthly outlay?

Stamppot Boerenkool

I have only got potatoes and kale left over from this week's veg box, and next week's arrives tomorrow.

If I combine them with smoked sausage in a Dutch fashion I can make Stamppot Boerenkool. The same ingredients in a Portuguese stylee will give me Caldo Verde.

Now that the country is teeming with Poles I can select from a wide variety of charcuterie at the Sri Lankan shop at the bottom of the road. It is practically a Polski sklep these days.

Spuds, sausage and greens may be peasant food, but seasoned with my cosmopolitan, culinary suavity it combines a stroll through European history and culture with a treat for the taste buds.

How to be Topp: A Guide to Sukcess

U13 League 2
Team P W D L F A Diff B Pts Pts Adjust Old Rutlishians U13 3 3 0 0 97 19 78 2 17 0 Sutton & Epsom U13 A 2 1 0 1 44 71 -27 1 7 0 Reeds Weybridge U13s 1 1 0 0 27 19 8 1 6 0 Camberley U13 1 0 0 1 5 15 -10 0 1 0 Haslemere U13 2 0 0 2 33 74 -41 1 1 -2 Effingham & Leatherhead U13s 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 Old Reigatian U13 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 Guildfordians U13 1 0 0 1 19 27 -8 0 0 -1
Last Updated: Dec 3 2013 2:27PM

The table is updated, for us at least, after last weekend's result.

OLD RUTS 37, HASLEMERE 7
Tries: Ben Browne, Silas Bobb, Sid Daniels, Pablo Santiago-Davies, Charlie Julian, Dylan Harwood, Joe Bennett
Conversion: Luke Saitch

 Tired but happy, this is before they knew what the traffic was going to be like on the A3 going home.

Not ready for Amazon Prime Air time?

Can this possibly be on the level? Reading The Everything Store: Jeff Bezos and the Age of Amazon, I think it might well be, Dr Strabismesque (whom God preservesque) of Utrechtesque as it seems.

That was the week that was

No one from from my family is going to hospital for a procedure today or on Friday this week, it is just my nephew Tuesday, my sister on Wednesday and my father on Thursday.

Half empty

The Ruts U13A team beat Haslemere 37-7 in the league this morning so, though I don't know the other results, we must still be top of the table as we've played one more game than anyone else.

Seven tries but, and this is the only niggle, only one conversion.

From memory the try scorers were the Bomber (in the first minute), Silas, Sid, Pablo Dylan, Joe B and someone else who I have forgotten in the excitement. Luke got the conversion.

Next up Effingham & Leatherhead U13s in a fortnight and I have heard rumours that a few of our regulars won't be available.

It wouldn't do not to have anything to worry about now would it?

Over by year

Our financial year runs from the beginning of December to the end of November. Now it is the weekend we won't be issuing any invoices before Monday.

A quick analysis reveals that 2012-13's turnover represents a 40% increase over last year.

I may have a drink tonight.

Wigging Out

Telegraph:

Sony has filed a patent for a "SmartWig" that would include ultrasound sensors, a camera and a laser pointer. The device is not necessarily intended to replace absent hair, as with traditional wigs, but to be worn as a sort of mobile computer.

The patent describes a "plurality of natural and/or artificial hair pieces" which will hide within them a range of sensors and communication devices. That artificial hair could be wool or horse hair, or just synthetic fibres, suggests Sony.

They are not stopping at the PS4 then. Dr Strabismus (whom God preserve) of Utrecht has reminded me that I will need to take off my SmartWig whenever I schedule an iGrow laser session.

Culture Blast

How reassuring to see that my Council Tax has gone towards paying an exhibitionist to ponce about in pancake make-up and a silly hat rather than being frittered away.

How many people work at Pornhub?

How many people work at Pornhub?

We have over 150 employees across the world, with about half of them being engineers. Keep in mind, we are an IT company.

The ACA website totally fumbled upon launch, leaving just a select few (including yours truly) able to access the site—but millions more unable to even get pages to load. How complicated is it to create a website that millions will use a day?

Hosting a website that over 35 million people a day flock to is no easy task. To create a website that can handle this type of traffic has to be done in steps, first building a scalable model, and continue adding capacity as the traffic volume grows. Everything must be done step by step. You can’t take any shortcuts.

What could you offer the Obamacare / ACA site?

Overall, I’d offer to lend them our engineers. We work very hard to train everyone to be able to handle any challenge. It’s no small task to accommodate the traffic volume they intended to. Since we specialize in high traffic websites, we are one of few companies who would have been able to get the site back on track. That’s why we made the offer -- we have the utmost confidence in our teams to accomplish anything.

For all that I am chuckling, there is a strange sort of logic to this.