SPARTARRGH

I'm very much looking forward to 300 opening in the UK this weekend.

Iranian TV is unimpressed however by the "shallow script" (you must follow this link and watch the review) of the "production by Zionists and a group of American extremists".

As an olive branch, and a nod to the 700 Thespians who also fought and died at Thermopylae, here's an idea of what Teddington's Noel Coward might have done with the story (even though I gather he might well have been perfectly happy with the spectacle of muscular men in leather underpants exerting themselves):

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A balmy ancient evening on a balcony in Greece. An agitated KING LEONIDAS strides centre stage followed by his beautiful, but long suffering wife QUEEN GORGO.

LEONIDAS: I'm in such a rage.

GORGO: There's no need to be nasty.

LEONIDAS: Yes there is, every need. I've never in my life felt a greater urge to be nasty.

GORGO: And you've had some urges in your time, haven't you?

LEONIDAS: If you start bickering with me, Gorgo, I swear I'll throw you over the edge.

GORGO: Try it, that's all, just try it.

LEONIDAS: Ever since the first moment I was unlucky enough to set eyes on the Persian Ambassador, my life has been insupportable.

GORGO: Oh, do shut up, there's no sense in going on like that.

LEONIDAS: Nothing's any use. There's no escape, ever.

GORGO: Don't be melodramatic.

LEONIDAS [laconically]: I can see us all strolling down in the morning for an early start.

GORGO [weakly]: Lovely, oh lovely.

LEONIDAS: Glorious!

[They both laugh helplessly.]

GORGO: Will you eat first?

LEONIDAS: Terribly important, a good breakfast.

GORGO: Where will you dine?

LEONIDAS: Hades

GORGO: Very hot, Hades.

LEONIDAS: So they say. They say it’s hot.

GORGO: Hotter than the Hot Gates?

LEONIDAS [tenderly]: Hotter than the Hot Gates, my dearest darling.