This gets my goat.

Here's a simple fact: Beard stubble can and will scrape the soft face of that nice girl you've been hanging out with. And even if she doesn't mind the scratchiness, we doubt she'll appreciate that a make-out session comes with a side of blotchy skin. Which is what that short, coarse hair growth that covers the lower portion of your face just a few hours after shaving can do to a woman after some time spent getting up close and personal.

Traditional beard oils and conditioning agents are made to soften the longer hairs of your beard, but don't necessarily work on stubble. That's a job no cream or lotion can handle. You need a real kick-ass weapon, so turn your attention to sandpaper.

Yup. Sandpaper. By rubbing abrasive paper over the stubble, the prickly edges get rounded down — not unlike what happens when two pieces of sandpaper are rubbed together. It's a concept pioneered by a company called The Soft Goat, which has just launched the first ever stubble-softening pad that works in just this manner. In an nutshell, it's high-end sandpaper. But in more detail, it's an hypoallergenic foam pad that the makers have layered with abrasive paper that they've spent a few years honing to find just the right texture that will soften stubble but won't rip your face open.

I know its Movember 'n all, but I seem to detect the hand of Dr Strabismus (whom God preserve) of Utrecht in Esquire here.

The Soft Goat; ho ho very satyrical. Geddit? See how I put a y in there instead of an i. Hilarious eh?