Wednesday, February 29, 2012

One leg too few

Prodnose: Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Ms Jolie, I believe it is.

Enter Angelina, hopping energetically on one leg

Prodnose: Ms Jolie, I believe?

Angelina: Yes — Jolie by name, Jolie by nature. (keeps hopping)

Prodnose: Yes... if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Ms Jolie. Please be stood. Now, Ms Jolie you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Lara Croft?

Angelina: Right.

Prodnose: Now, Ms Jolie, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.

Angelina: You noticed that?

Prodnose: I noticed that, Ms Jolie. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Ms Jolie, you, a one-legged person, are applying for the role of Lara Croft — a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.

Angelina: Correct.

Prodnose: And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.

Angelina: Right.

Prodnose: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.

Angelina: Very true.

Prodnose: Well, Ms Jolie, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Angelina: Yes, I think you ought to.

Prodnose: Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.

Angelina: The leg division?

Prodnose: Yes, the leg division, Ms Jolie. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said ‘A lovely leg for the role.’ I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you. You fall down on your left.
continued p84

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