Ronnie Corbett RIP

“French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in.”

“A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.”

“We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.”

“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.”

“This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.”

“It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.”

“There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.”

“West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.”

“We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.”

“We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.”