Manners for the Modern Age

I LOVE YOU, BUT OUR HAPPINESS DOESN’T FIT MY PERSONAL BRAND’S NARRATIVE STRATEGY.

I’ve noticed that you’ve been a little upset about my recent social media output, particularly the tweet, “Oh my god, will the loneliness never end? #ImMiserable” which, as you deftly noticed, was tweeted during our second anniversary dinner date. As my significant other, you have every right to be upset. But, as I’ve said many times: I love you, but happiness doesn’t fit my personal brand narrative strategy.

My market research shows that nihilism is hot right now. Malcontent millennials tend to share posts significantly more if it contains phrases like “I’m dead inside,” or “I’m am consumed by despair.” So, while I do love you and love the life we share together, expressing that joy on social media would undo all the work I’ve put into carefully crafting my personal brand’s “voice.” It’s called strategy for a reason, babe.

I have 665 followers on Twitter — that’s almost 700. Can you imagine what would happen if all of the sudden my personal brand narrative went from self-deprecating existential musings to “Hey guys, I’m in love!” What would my followers think? Sure, most of them are our mutual friends and colleagues, but still, who would they turn to? I can’t bare the thought of ever finding out.

If I want to have a strong brand narrative, my “voice” has to be consistent across all distribution channels. So, yes, that does mean captioning Instagram photos of us with “If I had a time machine I would change everything. EVERYTHING.” And yes, that does mean that when I check in to our favorite restaurant on Facebook the caption is just that straight-line-mouth emoticon. And, yes again, that even means pinning cross-stitch patterns that say STARING INTO THE ENDLESS BLACK VOID on my Pinterest page. That’s just strong brand equity common sense.

And, really, just because I am not constantly professing my love for you online doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do love you. I tell you that all the time in private. So, when I say “I love you, you are my life,” I mean it. The fact that I tweet, “I hate my life, I want to die” immediately afterward doesn’t change a thing.