Friday, June 13, 2014

Word Cup fever

if you dont know a lot about football but you still want to join in with all of the excitement that the world cup awards brings us every year, then here are a few tips and tricks for you to use for yourself to help you blend in more easily and maybe even make yourself look like a actual footballing expert as well.
as soon as the referee blows on his throat flute to get the football match started make sure you say one of these things:
come on football
kick off
lets get this event started
good luck
i think that we are going to be in for a great game
i hope that our football team gets the points that they require
i am enjoying myself
if a player gets a tackle on him shout some of these things as loud as you can:
keep your knees to yourself you italian idiot
put your shorts back on and get up
it is a good job that he has got plastic shin sheets on the bottom of his legs or he would have to be carried home in a wheelchair
this cant be happening
why isnt he moving anymore
great tackle
when a goal is scored take your top off and scream any or all of these things:
what a goal
that is the type of strike that i like to see
he striked that one like he was kicking a ball at a prison
right off the top of his head
slam dunk
homeward bound
that is 1 point for us
kiss my knee
directly into the net
three men and a little lady
climb onto my back

Hat tip Spike.

Also, from the extensive background reading I do on your behalf:
HARRY RENNIE, A SCOT WHO KEPT GOAL for Greenock Morton in the 1890s, toughened up by throwing himself onto wooden boards for half an hour each day. John Burridge, a journeyman who played for 29 clubs in England and Scotland between the late 1960s and late 1990s, sharpened his reflexes by asking his wife to throw fruit at him when he wasn’t looking. Gigi Buffon credits his agility in the goalmouth to the time he spent vacationing with his family—his sisters and cousins would tie his hands behind his back and force him to turn somersaults. “How many knocks on the head I took! But I like to think it was that way that I overcame the fear of throwing myself about, diving on the ground even when there isn’t snow to soften the landing,” he wrote in his autobiography. Ronald Reng describes the Argentinean keeper Germ├ín Burgos’s extreme training to overcome natural survival instinct. To keep from turning his head away from the ball, Reng writes, “the goalkeeping coach tied Burgos’s hands behind his back and shot hard at him from close range; all Burgos had to do was parry the ball with his face, again and again. Sometimes his nose broke.”
The methods were not always so brutal. Peter Shilton sought out a dance teacher to purge wasted movements from his technique, writing that the dancer “taught me to keep my feet light and close to the ground, moving them as if skating on ice.” His goal was to become “like an object which can be seen shimmering through a heat haze.”

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